December 11, 2016
Think back to the last time you had a truly terrible date. Mine was last night. While it wasn’t quite heinous enough to warrant an emergency exit, there were definitely moments in which I contemplated crawling out the 4th story restroom window. But I powered through. I have had many dates, however, that were so unbearable that I had to rely on one of my tried-and-true exit strategies to truncate the disastrous affair.
Here are my 5 top exit strategies when your date is a total bust.
1. The Emergency Phone Call
My good girlfriend and I have a special dating “Buddy System.” Not only do I always text her my date’s full name and LinkedIn page just in case I end up tied up in his trunk, we also have an Emergency Exit Code. If ever either of us are in the midst of a “stop the date I wanna get off” moment, we’ll simply text, “Wanna get Waffles?” and the other will know to stop what they’re doing and call ASAP. When you receive the ambiguous phone call, you can pretend it’s your friend, your mother, your babysitter–whoever. All that matters is that you feign an emergency that will remove you from the current date. If you’re not a skilled improviser, make sure you come up with some ideas beforehand so you’re not sitting there at dinner shouting “WADAYA MEAN THE PET STORE’S ON FIRE?!?!
A few plausible and effective excuses include the following:
- Your best friend is stranded on the side of the road and needs you to pick her up
- Your sister’s locked out of her apartment, and you’re the only one with a spare key
- Snowy, your beloved 16-year-old Bichon Frise just got run over (only to be used in dire situations.)
The emergency phone call is best used with guys who might not be the sharpest tool in the shed and are easily influenced. And someone who’s definitely never watched Sex and the City.
2. The Amazing (but Forgotten) Race
The thing about New Yorkers is that we never stop. We work hard, play harder, and then get up at 5am the next morning to run a 10k. In fact, we have so many extracurricular activities that sometimes we can’t even keep our own schedules straight. The “Forgotten Race” is an excellent exit strategy for when your date looked like Paul Rudd in his profile picture but more like Paul Giamatti in real life. That’s when it’s time to pull the “race” card. “Darn, you know what? I’ve been training for this triathlon to benefit disadvantaged cats of the Internet, and I’ve gotta get up super early to do my miles.”
This exit strategy also gives you a great excuse for not ordering that second drink. You’ll save the calories AND your sanity! Chances are, he’ll totally understand your early bail and will probably even praise your dedication and philanthropic spirit.
Use The Forgotten Race excuse on guys who still wear cargo pants and snap at the waitress to get her attention.
3. That Time of the Month
Shark week, Surfing the crimson week, On the rag, There’s a crime scene in my underpants–whatever you like to call your monthly friend, I guarantee he doesn’t want to hear about it. You see, men don’t actually know about the female body, like the real female body. And guess what–they don’t want to know about it. So whenever I’m stuck in a dating misadventure, I like to call upon my female “friend” to save me. Remember to always remain tactful and discreet about it though. You wouldn’t want to completely obliterate your precious female mystique, now would you?! Simply grab your distended tummy with a look of embarrassment as you groan loudly. When he looks worried and asks you what’s wrong, you can adorably squeak out those two words that will immediately shut any guy up: “Girl problems.”
The Red Scare is best used to scare away Meatheads, Basic Bros, dudes who say things like “Nice tits” as a compliment, and anyone named Chad.
4. The “Sickness” Literally No One Wants to Hear About
If bleeding profusely from your vagina doesn’t make your date run in the opposite direction, there’s two other words that will: Explosive Diarrhea!!! Again, keep it classy and come up with a fun little euphemism for this natural disaster. Maybe you’ve got the ol’ “Back-door trots,” a case of “Drippy tummy,” or my personal favorite, “Mexicali’s revenge.” Make sure during dinner you mention how strange that questionable meat tasted. “Did that lamb look a bit grey to you?” Then go to the ladies room for an absurdly long time. Seriously. Like go in there and watch an entire Game of Thrones episode on your iPhone. That’ll make the whole thing much more believable. The reason why this exit strategy works so well is that most guys want to live in a fantasy world in which women are these ethereal creatures who don’t burp, sweat or poop. Not only will this dirty realization crush his soul, but he’ll be asking for the check before you can say, “Tijuana cha-cha.”
The oh-shit-I-crapped-my-pants-excuse works best on Trump supporters who still drink Long Island Ice Teas.
5. Just Act Bat Sh** Crazy
Sometimes there are those special situations in which you’ve pulled out all the stops, yet nothing’s working. He’s unflappable. You’re trapped in a Midtown Olive Garden listening to your date tell his 10th law school story of the night. The pasta bowl is never-ending and so are his bad jokes. For these exceptional situations, there’s only one thing you can do: Act like a raving lunatic. To make sure this works, you’ll have to really go balls to the wall and commit to this character. Always start small, and then build from there. During the first cocktail, mention that you have to email your psychiatrist, and throw in the word “high-risk” wherever you can. When he asks if you’ve seen a certain current movie, explain that you’ve been a little “out of touch” since your stay at the treatment center. Then gradually give a bit more. When he asks about your parents, talk about your “daddy” like he’s the king of your freaking universe, and that you’ll never find a guy as smart and handsome as him. Then ask if he’s into spanking. For your grand finale, when your steak comes, start uncontrollably crying because it used to be a living soul. Then scream out to the entire restaurant, “MURDERERS!! YOU’RE ALL MURDERERS!!” That’s guaranteed to be the final breadstick.
As stated, this strategy should be saved for very special situations in which you need something drastic to scare him off for good. Unless he has a fetish for crazies.In which case you have no option but to spill your wine in his lap and run. Run as fast as you can.
Do you have any exit strategies of your own? Tell us about them Zach@TopRomp.com