I am bombarded with messages on my blog (‘They Really Said This’) from guys asking why women won’t respond to their messages on various dating sites. I also get repeated messages from dudes on OkCupid asking why I didn’t respond to their attempts at getting to know me.
While I can only truly speak for myself, I feel like women are more picky than men because a lot of the time we want something more than a hot piece of ass to hang out with. We want someone we can emotionally connect to, be attracted to, and perhaps even have a conversation with. There is no bigger turn-off than being seen only for tits and ass. I’ve found a lot of guys in the world of internet dating only message a female because she looks good and could care less if she clearly stated she wants something that is not applicable to them. However, it’s not all negative. I do respond to the occasional message and I even send the initial message every once in awhile.
This morning I opened my inbox on OkCupid to 5 new messages. I typically read through all the messages despite the notion that women just delete them sight unseen. The first message I opened was from a guy asking how my weekend was and about a few things that I mentioned on my profile. He didn’t objectify me and asked about substantial topics.
While it’s a sticky subject, and I can only imagine how confusing it may be for a guy when a woman wants compliments but at the same time doesn’t want to be objectified, there IS a balance. When you’re sending a first message, try not to rely solely on physical appearance. I know this can come across like I’m a conceited bitch but women get compliments often. Whether it be from a dude catcalling us on the street, online dating, or in my twitter direct messages — it can get repetitive. It’s hard to pick the guys that only want to fuck us from the dudes that genuinely want to know us. The right balance is paying attention to the text on our profile and coming up with a thoughtful respectful message. It’s fine if you pair a physical compliment with something more substantial, just please stray away from “YO GURL NICE TATZ” or “ur beautiful.”
Besides the fact that this gentleman sent me a good message, we were a 97% match; he agreed with my politics, religion stance, etc. All good things. While I don’t necessarily believe in the scientific accuracy of OkCupid’s match system, I do believe it is a good way to weed out people that really have nothing in common with you. If you have a 50% match with someone, you will most likely not agree on something that is very important to you. So, start answering those questions if you haven’t yet.
I clicked on his profile and viewed his photos. He was attractive and seemed like someone I may go out with. He had about 8 shots that were high quality so I felt like I genuinely knew what he looked like. He didn’t have any shirtless selfies or a million group photos where I couldn’t pick out who was who. I felt confident he was being up front about himself. A female is not going to go on a first date with a man (let alone respond) who doesn’t have clear photos on their profile. While other guys may send a great message, I believe physical attraction to someone is important and if it’s not there, it’s not going to work. I have tried dating guys that I wasn’t initially physically into and it just doesn’t pan out no matter how much we have in common.
Now that I wanted to find out more, I clicked back to view what he wrote on his profile. It was short and simple but well thought out enough that I felt like I had a good idea at what kind of person he was. When women are looking through dating profiles, we do not want to read a novel. Stick to the point and think about the fact that we have no idea who you are. Writing that you like to travel doesn’t give us a picture of your unique personality. Tell me something that the next guy doesn’t have and that you’re proud of. That doesn’t mean tell me you have three degrees, own your own business, a nice car, and work out 7 days a week. Be humble.
This specific guy had no generic phrases or douche-y claims. You’d be surprised (or maybe not) what kind of shit people write. I’ve seen everything under ‘The most private thing I’m willing to admit’ column on OkCupid from “I’m extremely well hung.” to “I rarely brush my teeth.”
Bad grammar/incorrect spelling, difference in moral values, a sex-based profile, too many uses of smileys (it’s creepy), height, or the fact that you’re married or in an open relationship are some of the other seemingly obvious characteristics that will make me not respond to a message. There have also been occasions where I was going to respond (and just hadn’t yet because I was busy) but then the guy decides they want to send several more without my response. If you send two messages and a female doesn’t respond, she’s not interested and there is no reason to send more.
I wound up responding back to this particular guy and after several messages back and forth, I wound up giving him my number and setting up a time to meet in person.
I think it’s important to remember that even if you’re a great person and follow the above advice, not everyone is going to be interested and you need to not let that affect your confidence. Every one gets rejected at some point and putting your ego aside will get you far. You deserve someone that shows interest in knowing more about you just as much as you want to know more about them.
Lauren Urasek is the creator of 'They Really Said This', a popular blog focused on online dating. She was featured in NYMag as the 'most messaged female in NYC on OkCupid' and has since used the exposure to inspire change & help others navigate the tricky world of modern dating. She is a professional make-up artist based in NYC with a love for astronomy, animals, and the outdoors. Follow her on Twitter @Loandthecosmos